I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There r osticjed everywhere
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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