just survived the first fart of the relationship.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize