I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
