I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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