I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just cropdusted the office
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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