i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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