Your tits are I can't wait for
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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