I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
