is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
