you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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