Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
