My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
