Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Someone signed my nipple.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
