You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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