dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Quick, to the slutcave!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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