So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
