I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
