Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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