I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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