I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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