How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize