No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
