he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
worst night to have a conscience
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
