did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
