Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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