I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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