I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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