My first STD was from a foam party
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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