if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
