apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
