mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
