I can text with my tongue
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
then he tried to convert me to islam
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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