his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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