he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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