...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
so let's talk penis.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
