I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
