I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
