Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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