How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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