Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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