Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
