I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
