At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
