I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
