My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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