why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Green mimosas i think yes
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
