How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize