Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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