she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
