I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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