I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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