Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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