im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
