then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
