my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
