Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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