First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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