I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize