He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
